Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

SHERLOCK HOLMES, The Missing Years: Timbuktu, by Vasudev Murthy


9781464204524_FC
Title:  SHERLOCK HOLMES, The Missing Years: Timbuktu
Genre: Mystery
Author: Vasudev Murthy
Publisher: Poisoned Pen Press
Purchase on Amazon
Still wondering what Sherlock Holmes was doing between his reported death in 1891 and his reappearance in 1894? All the world knew that Sherlock Holmes died at the Reichenbach Falls, tumbling over the jagged cliff in a deadly embrace with his nemesis Moriarty. But for history’s greatest detective, death was only the beginning. Rumors abounded that Holmes had been sighted advising the Japanese emperor, studying with the Dalai Lama, and protecting the president of the United States, but only Dr. Watson knew the truth. From 1891 to 1894, Sherlock Holmes was dead to the world—and having the grandest adventures of his career.
It begins when an Italian scholar travels from Venice to 221B Baker Street, to beg the help of the legendary detective. He carries an ancient parchment, written in the hand of Marco Polo himself. It is a rubbing made from a brass disc found in the libraries of Kublai Khan, and it was torn in half centuries ago to protect the world from a terrifying secret, one that, apparently, first Marco Polo, then another great traveler, the Moroccan Ibn Battuta, took dramatic steps to guard. Where, if anywhere, is its missing half? Holmes springs into action. He fakes his death at Reichenbach, and proceeds undercover to Venice. A murdered scholar, an archivist from the Vatican, British imperial politics and, of course, the dire hand of Moriarty propel Holmes and a surprised but resolute Dr. Watson, playing the roles they assumed in Morocco, on a perilous journey down the Sahara to the ancient city of Timbuktu…and beyond. In deepest Africa, Holmes will confront ruthless criminals, an ancient culture, and a staggering surprise.
CHAPTER ONE
“O thou who goest to Gao, turn aside from thy path to breathe my name in Timbuctoo. Bear thither the greeting of an exile who sighs for the soil on which his friends and family reside. Console my near and dear ones for the deaths of their lords, who have been entombed.” – Ahmed Baba

A Visitor from Italy

“Ah Watson! A merry affair there at Norwich! The constabulary in ferment, I see!”
“Indeed, Holmes. Would you call it merry though?  Six murders in two months! And not a clue in sight! One wonders why the authorities have not reached out to you yet!”
“Frankly Watson, I would prefer they did not. The answer is so obvious that I would not wish to embarrass them. However, if it pleases you, and since the loss of life is a regrettable matter, perhaps you could send a wire to the Inspector in charge – Cowley? – to interview Lazarus Smith, the village blacksmith, who very kindly took them to the scene of the crime in the second case. Ask them to inspect the attic. They are wasting their time talking to Donahue. Being Irish and ugly is not a crime.”
“Yes, Holmes,” I said, making a note.
I was visiting Holmes after a long interval. Consequent to my marriage, our meetings had become infrequent but were always warm. My wife was away on a visit to Glasgow and I had taken the liberty of travelling to London to meet Sherlock Holmes and attend to sundry business.
We had spent the better part of the day talking about past cases and discussing the eventual fates of many notables.  The bitter January cold had seeped inside our room, and we moved a few inches closer to the fireplace that Mrs. Hudson had so thoughtfully prepared. Outside, the fog swirled and I could hardly imagine that anyone would be foolhardy enough to walk about risking life and limb. It was not an evening for profitable crime.
Holmes was stretched across the sofa languidly, violin resting carelessly on his left thigh and his right leg dangling on the floor. He was leafing through a copy of Debrett’s Peerage.
“Well, well, I see that the Duke of Beaufort studied classics at Oxford in 1875. I happen to know that he was almost rusticated for suspected plagiarism. And at about the same time, the Earl of Breadalbane played cricket there and was challenged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Two very different personalities, Watson, but both with some claim to a common experience at the same moment in time. Debrett’s say nothing about their scandals! The world is filled with strange people, eh, Watson?”
Before I could respond, he flung across a wire.
“What do you make of this, Watson?”
I looked at it.
“Why would anyone be interested in this parchment? The British Ambassador in Rome suggested I meet you urgently on a matter of utmost sensitivity. 1030 pm tonight. Grazie. Antonio Rozzi. Venice.
“An Italian travelling all the way from Venice to meet you, Holmes? Very flattering.”
“It must be very sensitive for him not to find it prudent to write. Something has happened that has made him abandon his routine tasks. He seems to be a man given to objectivity. A historian, I would wager, given the reference to a parchment. Ah, the time draws near! A carriage just outside, Watson.”
We heard the creaks of a carriage and the shuffling and snorting of horses, as they settled outside 221B Baker Street. In a few moments, we heard the sounds of someone taking the stairs quickly. Shortly, there was a polite knock.
I opened the door.
The man opposite was about my height, though stout. He was clean shaven, bald, with luxurious sideburns, and immaculately dressed. He looked quite English.  He stooped a little, was about fifty-five years old, and carried a valise.
He bowed.
“Signore Holmes? I am Antonio Rozzi from Venice.”  His accent was distinct.
“No, I am Dr. John Watson. Do come in.”
I helped him with his overcoat, while Holmes watched.
“I apologize for this late meeting,” said Antonio Rozzi, bowing to Holmes. “I had no choice.”
“You reached London this afternoon. There must have been something of interest at the British Museum that detained you for a few hours. But do sit down.”
Signore Rozzi gasped. “Che cosa! You are quite right, Signore Holmes! I visited a friend at the Chinese antiquities section. But how did you know?”  He seated himself heavily on a chair, catching his breath, valise in hand.
Holmes shrugged. “The wire was sent from the Post Office at Great Russell Street at about three in the afternoon. I would expect a historian from the continent to visit the Museum first, practically as a religious duty. “
Si, si!” exclaimed Signore Rozzi. “That is so!”
“And how may we help you, Signore Rozzi?”
“Ah Signore Holmes, a very strange situation! I met your Ambassador at Rome, Lord Dufferin, and he said that you were the best person to help me. A most vexing matter, I am afraid, si. Extremely confidential, if I may say.”
Holmes nodded. “Please proceed. Everything remains within these four walls.”
Signore Rozzi looked relieved and began.
“I am the Chief Conservator of the Venice Museum, Signore Holmes. We have a very strange situation and need your advice.”
Holmes listened patiently.
“Have you read the Bible, Signore Holmes?” Signore Rozzi leaned across and peered intently at Holmes.
“As a matter of academic interest, yes. I am not a believer per se, but the book is entertaining and has its merits.”
“In what language was it written, do you know?”
“Yes, originally in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek.”
Signore Rozzi sat back, beaming. ‘Superbo! Very rare, Signore Holmes, for anyone to know this, very rare!”
“I would like to show you something very sensitive.” He opened his valise with great deliberation and carefully took out a document.
He placed it on the table and invited us to come closer.
It was a dull brown parchment with unusual faded markings. Some were in red and some were in black.
Holmes examined it very carefully against the light.
“Where is the other half?”
Signore Holmes, you are very clever! Si, this is the left half of a manuscript. The right half is missing. And it has always been missing since this came into our possession shortly after the death of Marco Polo in the year 1324.”
“The script is perhaps Aramaic, since you touched upon the matter of the Bible.  The parchment looks very old. And wait, the indentations on the paper seem to indicate the words were embossed in some way and then coloured.”
Si! Si! How correct you are! Someone has taken an impression of the text from a surface and then coloured it. Which means it is a copy.
“This manuscript is about two thousand five hundred years old, we think, pre-dating Christ. But the script is, surprisingly, not ancient Aramaic. It is not even related, as far as I know. It is Meroitic, which, sadly, I cannot read, but which I know originated in the Nile valley. Indeed there are very few scholars who can read that script. This is the reason why I visited the British Museum to meet Signore James Conway, who is such a scholar, and can read Meroitic with some effort. However, he was not available, so I shall be meeting him tomorrow.”
Holmes peered intently at the manuscript. “There seems to be some kind of a map at the bottom, perhaps. And only half of it.”
“Correct! We think so too.”
“And how may I help you? Surely this is not a treasure hunt.”
“It is much more than that, Signore Holmes.” Signore Rozzi looked grave.
“About two months ago, I started receiving strange notes in Arabic, which I happen to be able to read. Here is one. They are almost all identical.”

١- أعد النصف الاخر على الفور و الا عليك مواجهة العواقب
“And this means …?”
“’Return the other half immediately or face consequences’“
“To what address?”
“A post box in Casablanca, Morocco.”
“I see. And the reference is to this manuscript?”
Si, we believe so now, but we did not know about this until a month ago.
“You see, Signore Holmes and Dottore Watson, we get many anonymous letters at the Museum. People are fascinated by history and often believe that some object truly belongs to them. They ask for its return, claiming it belonged to an ancestor. We routinely ignore such letters.”
“I see.”
“But a month ago, we had an attempted burglary in the Chinese antiquities section. An alert security guard foiled the attempt and challenged the intruder, who stabbed him.  The guard described the intruder as having Arabic features. Most unfortunately, the guard passed away the next day because of his injuries.
“When I examined the antiquities, I found that everything was in order, except for the section that contained old manuscripts. We have thousands and most of them are of unknown origin. They are often trivial – they could be books of accounts or a journal of a ship’s voyage. It appeared that the intruder had just started looking there when he was surprised. However, while going through the manuscripts, I found this parchment. And I stopped.”
“A parchment with Meroitic inscriptions in the Chinese manuscripts library?”
“Yes, it was very surprising. But then again, it was not, because they were in the papers bequeathed to us by Marco Polo.”
“The great traveller,” nodded Holmes. “Well, yes, he did travel to China and would have brought back many articles of interest including manuscripts picked up along the way.”
“That is correct, Signore Holmes. The matter became a bit clearer when we saw that there was a note in the hand of Marco Polo with this parchment. Here it is.” He took out something from the valise and spread it on the table. The three of us gathered around to look at it.
“It is in Old French, so let me translate it for you.”
He read the manuscript in a halting voice.
“Many come to me, as I lie dying, asking me to proclaim that my account of my travels to China is a falsehood. I have not done so. Indeed, I have not revealed even half of what I know to Rustichello da Pisa, when we were in prison together in Genoa, since the haughty citizens of Venice have no regard for anything that goes against what they think is the truth. Let them mock at me. I go to the Heavenly Father with a clear conscience.
Oh, our ignorance! Only travel will erase it, but how can I insist?
I beg my descendants to guard this document with their lives. It has value beyond money.
I left the court of the great Kublai Khan with immense sadness. The Khan himself wept, for I was like a son to him, and he, to me, was like my father. He asked me to take anything I wished from his Kingdom, a generous offer that we accepted in small amounts. Yes, gold, paper, gunpowder, vases – these were his gifts.  You know, perhaps, that I was escorting a princess from his court to Hormuz in Persia to be wed,
But I spent time in his ancient and large library seeking books for they have great and everlasting wisdom and felt that they would have permanent value.
The many books which you see, along with this letter, are from his library, and reflect his infinite generosity to me and the Catholic Church.
I found a strange copper sheet in a dark corner of his library and became curious. It had peculiar inscriptions etched on it – they were neither in Chinese nor in any other language that I was familiar with. Yet it looked very pleasing, though out of place in the library. How is it that such a copper sheet was found in the library of Kublai Khan of China? No one had any idea as to its origin or value. I sought permission to take it because my interest was piqued. The Great Khan agreed as he could not find any use for it. For safety, I made a print of the copper sheet by pressing a sheet of paper down and then colouring the indentations created by the etches. I thus created a paper manuscript.
After the parting, about which I have written, I sat down in the ship that we had boarded at Zaitun and tried to translate the manuscript. It was impossible as I had no knowledge of this peculiar script. And yet, somehow, I felt uneasy. It was as if the letters were appealing to be read and understood.
Weeks later, we docked at the port of Calicut in India where I befriended the Zamorin of Calicut who welcomed me with great honour. We became good friends very soon and he gave me additional gifts and mourned with me for the shipmates I had lost on the way.
He introduced me to some priests of the Syrian Catholic church who seemed knowledgeable about ancient languages. Since I was concerned about the contents, I was cautious, and gave only tiny bits of the letter to them requesting them to translate it, which they attempted to do with enthusiasm, employing guesswork and experience. I then pieced the document together as best as I could.
As I learned how to read the faint letters and read out the words, I felt their impact. I will not tell you now what it was.
I took a decision to safeguard this manuscript in an unusual way for I was afraid of what would happen if someone with evil in his heart were to read it, fully understand and act on it. And so I tore the manuscript in two and requested that the Zamorin keep half of it in his custody, saying that it was a letter guaranteeing safety to those who wished to meet me in Venice. The Zamorin kept it carefully without asking questions and said that he would wait for someone to claim the letter someday.
I left directly for Persia.  I had memorized the contents of the manuscript, of course, and chanted them to myself quietly as my ship bore west. My head was full of dark, angry clouds and confusion. In a moment of extreme fear, I flung the copper sheet into the sea, as though it were on fire; I instantly regretted my action, but of course, it was too late.
We reached Hormuz and then you know the rest.
Keep this letter with the manuscript, for everyone’s safety. It is too valuable to be destroyed and yet too dangerous to be complete. Let us pray that mankind does not find the other half. It will bring infinite misery, though many will believe, foolishly, that it will be the opposite.
Marco Polo
Citizen of Venice
I was flabbergasted by this peculiar story. We sat in silence absorbing the words. Holmes puffed at his pipe and said nothing, waiting for our visitor to continue. We could hear the beat constable just outside. “We feel convinced, Signore Holmes, that the attempted burglary pertained to this document.” “What would you like me to do?”asked Holmes, after some reflection. “Visit Venice with me and help us to understand the matter better.” Holmes shook his head firmly. “We are working with conjectures. And my current engagements will not permit a trip. Why can your police not assist?” “They lack the scientific approach, Signore Holmes. More importantly, we think this requires secrecy and if we were to go to the local police, we cannot say with certainty that the matter would not become widely known, resulting in new complications. And we want to understand the mystery. Why is someone so interested in this parchment? “ “Why can you not get this document translated? Would that not help, even if partially?” “Yes, it would. This is why I visited the British Museum, as I said. And I shall do so again tomorrow. However, we think your involvement is needed. The Catholic Church worked closely with Marco Polo and sent some Sepulchral oil to the Khan on his request; there is an interesting story there that I could tell you about some day. Marco Polo was buried in the Church of San Lorenzo in Venice but his body was lost. Father Agnelli of that church is very knowledgeable about him. The Patriarch of Venice has expressly asked for your involvement after he consulted the Pope, though I must add that the decision was opposed internally at the Vatican. Though there are ancient Aramaic and demotic scholars in Rome, who could have perhaps tried to translate the Meroitic, it was felt that the matter must be kept very confidential, which is why I have brought it here. This may have ramifications beyond murder and a simple translation.”
“What kind of ramifications, I wonder.  Hmm. Perhaps I should think about it. Shall we meet again at eight tomorrow evening after you consult your friend?”
‘Si, si!  Let us hear what he has to say.”
With that, Signore Rozzi stood up, placed the documents back into his valise, bowed, and left the room quietly.
“Very interesting, Holmes,” I remarked.
“Indeed, no clear case, but an atmosphere of history and mystery. Well, let us wait until tomorrow. Meanwhile, Debrett’s beckons!”
And with that, Holmes sank back into his sofa and was shortly lost in the vagaries of British royal lineage.

Chapter Reveal: The Accidental Art Thief, by Joan Schweighardt


TheAccidentalArtThief_medTitleThe Accidental Art Thief
Genre: General fiction
Author: Joan Schweighardt
Publisher: Twilight Times Books
Find The Accidental Thief on Amazon.
For a quarter of a century forty-five-year-old Zinc has worked as a caretaker for a wealthy old man, living in a small casita on his ranch in New Mexico. She doesn’t make much money, but she has the old man, her dogs, and gorgeous views of the mountains. She is basically a very content recluse who doesn’t invest much time thinking about what she might do if her circumstances change. So when the old man dies suddenly, and his daughter all but throws her off the property, Zinc is forced to reinvent herself—and quickly.
With a touch of magical realism and a collection of offbeat characters, The Accidental Art Thief explores the thin line between life and death and the universal forces that connect all things.
//////////////////////////////////////
THE ACCIDENTAL ART THIEF
a novel
by
Joan Schweighardt
Chapter 1
Zinc had hung feeders all along the boughs of the trees, mostly cottonwoods and piñons that she could see from the window of the casita where she lived. This way when she needed a break from the work she did at her desk, she could look up—a small window was right there—and drink in the bird life, albeit at some distance. There were greenish-brown hummingbirds and red-brown finches to be seen three seasons of the year. Sometimes there were piñon jays, their blue bodies as vivid as the desert sky overhead. At least once a week she caught sight of the local roadrunner, whom she had named Steven, after someone she had loved once, someone who had broken her heart. And once—mystery of mysteries—a peacock dropped out of the sky, spread its resplendent blue-green feathers, turned its head in the direction of the window behind which Zinc stood with one hand over her open mouth and her eyes brimming with tears of joy, and looked right at her before disappearing into the scrub. Now that was a day to remember.
But lately Zinc had begun to wonder what it would be like to work facing the mountains rather than the cottonwoods. In fact her casita did have windows facing east, but the main house, where the old man lived, obscured her view. She wondered what it would be like to work outdoors sometimes, where she might see jack rabbits running in the scrub, or maybe even a lone coyote reigning proud from some rocky outcrop. She mentioned this desire to Smith, the old man’s sometimes driver, and Smith said she should get a laptop. Smith told her there was a second-hand computer store on Central. The owner was a real geek, he said; he picked up obsolete models for next to nothing and gave them new life. His prices were extraordinarily reasonable, as if he labored merely for the love of it.
For the love of it. Zinc liked that.
*
On a Saturday Zinc walked down the dirt road from her casita to San Dominic Road, and from there she walked to the bus stop on Bonita. She preferred not to talk to strangers if she didn’t have to, so she carried with her a Macy’s shopping bag into which she’d stuffed the bathrobe she’d removed from her body earlier that morning. It still smelled faintly of the coffee she’d accidentally spilled. When the bus came, she took the seat behind the driver. Then she watched out the window, and sure enough, before long she saw the second-hand computer shop storefront, wedged in between a coffee shop and a new-age gift store that featured a large limestone Buddha in its big front window.
She took the bus a mile or so farther and then got off and awaited a return ride. This time she knew where to look and she was able to gather in more information. The computer store was called Timothy’s Second-Hand Computers, and what Zinc recognized as a very old Mac model sat in the center of the window—a bookend (in size and positioning if not in eminence) to the Buddha in the shop beside it. The Mac’s screen and the innards that should have been behind it had been removed, replaced with a roll of toilet paper, the end sheet of which stuck out from what had once been its floppy drive opening. Timothy had turned the old Mac into a toilet paper dispenser!
Zinc could drive of course, and she had a junker to prove it—a seventeen-year-old Pontiac Firebird that her brother, Frankie, had given her two years earlier. But she didn’t drive it unless she absolutely had to. Just looking at the orange-red beast with its long raised snout and angry flared nostrils, parked as it was as far from her casita as the old man would allow, seemed like a bad idea. And so the following week, late in the afternoon, she took the bus once again, this time throwing a pair of jeans and a paperback into her Macy’s bag, and getting off at the corner just before the second-hand computer store. Then she stood, hidden behind sunglasses with lenses the size of fists, her wild brown curls stuffed beneath a NY Yankees cap, leaning against the stucco wall of the Central Ave Bank, cattycorner from Timothy’s, at the point where she could see the door but could not be seen herself, attempting to determine how busy the place got. When she felt quite sure there wasn’t much traffic (in fact, the door hadn’t opened once), she crossed Central and marched in.
A little brass bell on the door announced her arrival, but Timothy, who had his back to her, only mumbled, “How ya doing?” and didn’t turn around. The table he worked over was full of computer parts, illuminated by a green goose-necked desk lamp, the bulb of which was close to the table surface.
“Fine,” she heard herself say. It came out sounding like a child’s voice. Well, that was her voice; it was high-pitched and there wasn’t much she could do about it.
“Can I help  you?” he asked, and he looked past her for a second, perhaps searching for the child he thought he’d heard.
“I’d like to buy a computer. A laptop. A used laptop. An inexpensive used laptop.” She smiled nervously.
Timothy was old, perhaps in his mid seventies. But it was only the skin on his face, which fell over his bones like carelessly hung curtain swags, that gave him away. He was trim and—she noted as he got up to round the counter—spry and surefooted. She raised her hand to her sunglasses, but then dropped it just before her fingers made contact. A moment later her hand came up again, and this time the glasses came down with it. Timothy stopped in his progress to stare into her eyes, tipping forward from his waist for the briefest moment. “The laptops are over here,” he mumbled, and he turned to show her the way.
Timothy spent the next several minutes describing the virtues of each of the four second-hand models he had available. Two were so old they didn’t even have modems. “What do you want it for?” he asked, turning toward her suddenly.
Zinc swallowed. This is what she hated. The sudden question, the switch in focus, and then the inevitable journey the interrogator always took into her eyes. Years ago, when her skin was smooth and tight, people only said, “What an unusual color your eyes are.” But now she was forty-five and there were tiny lines around her eyes, making them somehow more—not less—prominent, or so she felt. Sometimes it seemed as if they were doorways, with doors that strangers could throw open easily and walk on through. Where did they go?  What did they do in there all that time?
Caught off guard, there was no chance to come up with a lie. And the truth was Zinc was a terrible liar anyway. “I write poetry,” she said.
“For a living?” asked Timothy, sounding alarmed.
“No, I keep house.”
“For a living?” This time he chuckled.
“For an…a…man.” She’d almost said “an old man,” how she and Smith referred to him, a term of affection for them.
“Your husband?”
“My employer.”
“Full time?”
“Part time…the housekeeping. Well, actually, it’s more than that. I do other things for him. And then the poetry. I make some money now and then from that too. So if you put the two together….”  She realized she was rambling and stopped abruptly.
Timothy turned back to the computers. “You’re under the radar,” he mumbled. “One of those people who can’t manage a real job. A lot of you here in Albuquerque.”
The color came to her face immediately, a flash flood. She loved what she did. She loved her life. Why did everyone assume that if you didn’t make much money or didn’t do something glamorous, you were a loser? And wasn’t he under the radar too, working at rejuvenating dead computers in a store that nobody visited? She squared her shoulders. For the love of it indeed. But all she said was, “No.” And then she thought better of it and forced a chuckle. “Well, maybe.”
“You shouldn’t admit it,” Timothy said, turning to hand her one of the laptops. She could see in his eyes that he was serious, that he meant well. “If you make your money cleaning house for someone,” he expounded, “you should tell people you’re a personal assistant. It’s almost true if not exactly, and it sounds much better. Saying you keep house….” He shook his head. “People will make assumptions. You’ll never get anywhere. You’ll clean houses forever.” Again he took the journey into her eyes, but this time he returned much sooner. “But then you’re not all that young, are you?”
Although she wanted nothing more than to escape, she forced her feet to stay planted just where they were, because, second to escaping, she wanted a laptop. And, as Timothy had so kindly pointed out, she wasn’t a child anymore; she had learned to control her impulses. Ultimately, she chose the laptop that was least expensive—an old modem-less IBM that Timothy guaranteed would work for the next five years if she was kind to it—and took the bus home.
So lost in her thoughts was Zinc that she was briefly startled when she opened the door to her casita and was immediately charged by two dogs, her dogs, Paddy and Orlando. Paddy was six years old and appeared to be mostly golden retriever with some chow mixed in—a furry yellow dog with a black tongue that was always hanging sideways out of his mouth. Zinc had found him at the end of the dirt road that led to the property when he was a puppy. He was half starved then, and the gash on his leg indicated that a larger animal, probably a coyote protecting her pups, had tried to warn him away. (If a coyote had really wanted to hurt him, it would have gone for his throat, and given his size at the time, Paddy would not have survived.) Paddy was sweet and intelligent, but he was also suspicious when there were strangers about, generally up at the old man’s house as Zinc didn’t get visitors herself. Orlando was a beagle mix, about four years old. He had come from a shelter just over two years ago. This was back before the old man’s legs had gotten so bad, back when he could still get around with a cane on one side and someone’s arm on the other. He’d heard that his neighbor’s dog had run away, and since the neighbor was in worse physical shape that he was, and didn’t have a driver to chauffer him around, the old man volunteered to have Smith take them both to the shelter to look for the Doberman, Gilly. Gilly wasn’t there, but the old man saw Orlando dancing at the bars of his cage, and he imagined that the beagle would be the perfect companion for Paddy, that Paddy might relax if he had a younger dog to play with. So he brought him home and told Zinc if she didn’t want him, or if Paddy wouldn’t tolerate him, it wasn’t a problem; the shelter would take him back. But both Zinc and Paddy fell in love with him immediately and that was the end of that.
Once she had greeted her dogs, given them each a biscuit and let them out, Zinc let the “under the radar” remark go down the drain, literally. It was a trick her father had taught her when she was a child (back in rural upstate New York, a couple hours north and west of New York City) and would come home crying because someone had teased her or called her a name at school. He would drag a wooden bench over to the kitchen sink and have her step up on it. Then he would turn on the faucet and Zinc would repeat the words that had hurt her so (“weirdo,” “mute,” “witch eyes,”) and together they would wash them down the drain. They had done this so many times and with such zeal that both believed that they could “see” the insults swirling drainward. “Go play, now,” her father would say, and she would, skipping outdoors, her curly brown pigtails flying out on either side of her head, calling out her brother’s name, Frankie, Frankie, who, her father hoped, would watch after her after he and his wife were gone—because a sixth sense told him they would never reach old age.
Zinc had been working for the old man and living in the casita behind his house for twenty-five years now, since the year after her parents died, the same year Steven left, and she did not love the place any less. It had been built over one hundred years ago, from adobe. Although it had been upgraded with central cooling and heating, Zinc seldom needed temperature control. The adobe stored and released the heat slowly, keeping her little house cool in summer and warm in winter, except when the temperatures were extreme. It was almost as if she were living in something that was alive itself.
Her little casita was beautiful in its simplicity; all the walls were painted a warm white and all eight-hundred square feet of flooring was covered with a red-gold Mexican saltillo tile. Her furnishings had all come from the old man’s house over the years, odd pieces that he no longer needed, and all of it was Mexican as well. And then there was the art. The old man was a collector, and each time he brought new paintings into his house, he would pass the old ones on to Zinc. His daughter, whose name was Marge, liked to carry the smaller ones over herself, probably, Zinc thought, so that she could remind her each time that some of the paintings were of considerable value and that Zinc must never nevercome to think of them as anything but a loan. As if Zinc could ever forget that.
Zinc did not have a land line or a cell phone. She did not have a TV or an MP3 or an iPod or a digital camera. She had a radio. And she had a computer, now two of them, and while the new one was modem-less, the Internet that worked through her desktop model had become her connection to the world. She had even made a few friends over the Internet, most of them editors of literary magazines who considered—and sometimes accepted—her poetry for their quarterly or biannual publications.
She opened her new used laptop on the kitchen table and plugged in the charger. In addition to the Word program that she planned to make good use of, there were a half dozen others. She was delighted to see that one was a chess game, and that you could “zoom” it up to be the size of the screen. She and the old man played chess all the time. She couldn’t imagine playing chess with a computer herself, but the old man might enjoy it. He got so lonely sometimes. And now his eyes were so bad that he could no longer read. She read to him frequently, but never for more than an hour at a time, because she was prone to sore throats. He listened to audio books, but he said it wasn’t the same. They made him sleepy. He hated to sleep, because he had nightmares much of the time.
Zinc thought he must have read more books in his life than any ten people she knew, not that she actually knew ten people. He could remember everything too, even information from books he’d read back when he was quite young. Although his tastes ran toward histories and biographies and hers toward fiction and poetry, they could spend hours talking about books; they could spend hours talking, period.
While the computer charged, Zinc heated leftovers from a casserole she’d made for the old man the evening before: artichoke hearts, spinach and chicken tenders. She called the dogs in and fed them and let them out again. When she finally allowed herself to look at the digital indicator on the computer screen, she saw that the charging had progressed only to fifty percent of capacity, but it would have to do.
Zinc pulled out the cord and closed the laptop and hurried out of the house. Her breath caught immediately and she stopped in her tracks, the laptop crushed to her chest. There was a moment every evening when the setting sun was exactly opposite the mountains, and if one were lucky enough to catch it, one could see the Sandias (sandia meant watermelon in Spanish) turn pink. Not just light pink, but if conditions were right, shocking pink, a kind of otherworldly fuchsia that made the heart pump faster.
Almost as soon as it began it was over. The mountain turned gray and the sun was on its way again, descending over the volcanoes to the west. The spectacle moved Zinc to run, something she did occasionally when no one was around. Orlando and Paddy, who had been resting together under a pine tree, saw her and rose simultaneously to join in the fun. With the dogs at her heels, Zinc ran across the yard, along the slate path through the garden, and started up the slate stairs. The stairs were beautiful. The old man had built them himself, years ago, back when his wife was alive and his children were young. They were encased in stone and featured stone risers. He had gathered the stones himself, from multiple hiking trips taken into the mountains with his loved ones.
Zinc was almost to his door when the toe of her leather sandal caught and she fell forward. Of course she had to drop the computer to keep from landing flat on her face. She sat up and immediately burst into tears. Her new computer—which had cost her two trips to town and half of the money she’d saved in the glass jar she kept on top of the refrigerator—had to be broken. There went sitting outdoors facing the mountain. There went who knows how many poems about coyotes, about jack rabbits running through the brush. Orlando licked her. Paddy moaned as if he knew exactly how she felt.
Under the radar.

The door opened slowly beside her. She looked up expecting to see the old man looming over her. She always praised him when he came to the door with his walker instead of waiting in his wheelchair for her to open it herself. He needed more exercise. He was a small man now, the size of a twelve-year-old boy. He suffered from, among other things, kyphosis, a hunched back. A very hunched back. It made him look like a troll. But it was not the old man’s troll face that Zinc found herself staring up at. It was his daughter, Marge. “What are you doing on the ground?” she asked impatiently, in a shrill voice. “And why are you crying? And where were you this afternoon?”
Zinc got up slowly, lifting the laptop from the slate as she did. She could feel movement, things inside slipping around. She glanced over her shoulder at the driveway. Usually when Marge was there she parked out in front of the house, where a delivery person might park—which made sense because she never stayed any longer than a delivery person would. Now Zinc saw that Marge’s car was beside the workshop. She could see the bumper of the dark red PT Cruiser. If she had known Marge was there, she wouldn’t have run across the yard, and then she wouldn’t have dropped and broken her new computer. “He’s all right, isn’t he?” she asked.
Marge folded her thin arms beneath her small breasts. “No,” she snapped. “He’s not all right.” She looked upward and took a breath. “He took a fall. Down the stairs. Right here. Where were you all afternoon, Kathryn?”
“What do you mean, he took a fall? How?”
Marge unfolded her arms and thrust them out, exasperated. “He must have been feeling badly. I don’t know. He must have wanted something. He must have tried to get you on the intercom and then gone outside to see if you were in the yard. And he must have tripped.” She took another swallow of air. Her arms fell to her sides. “Peter found him. He’s dead.”

Fantastical: Tales of Bears, Beer and Hemophilia, by Marija Bulatovic

Title: Fantastical: Tales of Bears, Beer and Hemophilia
Genre: Memoir
Author: Marija Bulatovic
Publisher: SOL LLC

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It’s been said that the truth is stranger than fiction.  Marija Bulatovic’s dazzling debut, Fantastical: Tales of Bears, Beer and Hemophilia, certainly underscores that adage.  Fantastical, Bulatovic’s reflections on her Yugoslavian childhood, is a mesmerizing memoir that takes readers on a wild and unforgettable tour of a country that has vanished from the map, but lives on in this lively collection.

With a pitch perfect voice, and a keen eye for capturing the absurd, the outrageous, the hilarious, the touching, and the sublime, Bulatovic weaves a rich tapestry.  Bears, gypsies, quirky family members, foiled plans, unusual and unorthodox neighbors, Fantastical has it all.  Lovingly told with an unmistakable fondness and deep affection, Fantastical is resplendent with humor, magic, and whimsy.

In this colorful, captivating and clever collection of stories, Bulatovic captures the spirit of the Slavic soul—passion and melancholy with a twinkle in the eye.  Fantastical charms with its wit, keen insights, and larger-than-life stories. Part memoir, part love letter to a place and a people that lives on in memory, Fantastical is irresistible.

An exquisite assortment of stories—each more delicious than the last—Fantastical is a tale to be savored. 

Introduction

The gypsy woman shuffled the cards, blew on them, and cast them down, carefully, deliberately, with the skilled hand of a weaver of life and magic:

You will travel the world,
A child will make you proud,
You will marry a businessman, but you will still work to make your own way,
You will live a life of adventure…
                                                                                                                                                                      – Kraljevo, 1993 
The Yugoslavia of my childhood was anything but dull.  A fantastical place rich in history, populated with intense people, and shot through with wonders and deep emotions, it was part of the Balkans, otherwise known as the powder keg of Europe.  It was the birthplace of diverse luminaries – from Nikola Tesla, inventor of modern alternating current, to Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu, the Albanian nun who would become Mother Teresa, to top tennis star Novak Djokovic. 
Touching Austria to the North, Italy and the Adriatic to the West, Greece to the South, and Romania and Bulgaria to the East, it was the place that started World War I, that pioneered its own grand experiment in socialism, and that would later be home to the infamous ethnic cleansing of the ’90s and some of the most sought-after mass murderers on the planet.
Given its strategic location, it had been in the path of many conquerors.  Everyone from the Visigoths to the Ottomans to the Austro-Hungarians to Soviet-era Communists had traversed its beautiful lands, leaving parts of their customs, language, and DNA behind. 
The Ottomans brought foods and spices, the rhythms of the East, Islam.  The Austro-Hungarians imparted Western European tastes, their own musical preferences, and industrial-age improvements.  Finally, the Communists, the great equalizers of the diverse groups of people who now called this land home, were probably most responsible for the feeling of solidarity that I most strongly associate with it. 
To me it was an amusing and intriguing place.  Strange happenings, outrageous gossip, black magic – all were part of the fabric of my childhood, along with the safety and stability of home that was always there in the background, the love embodied in my parents, grandparents, and the larger circles of family and friends. 
As I read back through these stories, the word “fantastical” sticks in my mind.  Its meaning ranges from “existing in fancy only” to “slightly odd or even a bit weird.”  My Yugoslavian childhood was definitely both.  These stories represent a lost world.  Not only does the Yugoslav nation no longer exist, but the sense of solidarity among its peoples, giving way in the ’80s and ’90s to ethnic divisions and nationalist tendencies, will never be the same. 
These stories also represent an odd world.  In a young socialist country with pagan roots, ancient and modern worlds slammed together.  The incongruities were sometimes jarring, sometimes hilarious.  As a child, I tried continually to make sense of it all.  As an adult, I feel lucky to have taken it all in.  I feel fortunate to have had such a start in life – a strange start, perhaps, but one lived openly and in full color. 
I sometimes describe my childhood as “socialist meets gypsy Woody Allen.”  When I was eleven, a nurse on her way to work one morning was stabbed in the back by a coworker.  The two women worked together at the only hospital in our town and were part of a love triangle.  In the end, no charges were filed, and the three lovers went back to work as usual.  As local gossip had it, it was fortunate the event had taken place near the steps of the blood bank, ensuring rapid transfusion.
Others died each year in horrific bus crashes, caused by the regular drinking of drivers ferrying people to their chosen vacation destinations – or, in this case, to their deaths.  Still others met their demise after eating poisonous mushrooms purchased at the local market.  Apparently, the sellers couldn’t tell the difference or just didn’t care. 
Especially in more remote parts of the country, a few people each year would barely escape being buried alive.  Since no doctor was involved in validating death, the family would make the judgment on their own, sometimes mistakenly.  The deceased would then be left to their own devices, forced to bang on the coffin lid in the midst of the funeral procession to be let out.
Needless to say, all this unpredictability fueled the superstitions harbored by many.  At the same time, after more than thirty years of Communism, some things in Yugoslavia were very predictable.  In our traditional, homogenous society, before the economic crisis that was to come, no one was too rich or too poor, no one too well or shabbily dressed.  You could always count on some things to run smoothly and others not at all.  A case in point was the Yugo.  Voted one of the Fifty Worst Cars of All Time, it supposedly featured rear-window defrost so your hands wouldn’t get cold while you pushed it.
The Yugoslavia of my memory was wonderfully diverse, and in my world, at least, its various ethnic and religious groups lived together in relative harmony.  Those around me were generally happy and satisfied with life, frequently socializing with friends and coworkers.  The sense of solidarity was high.  People wanted to do good and contribute to the overall benefit of society, and they generally looked out for one another. 
I also remember a strong sense of intimacy, with people deeply involved in each other’s lives.  It was common for everyone to know what you were cooking for lunch, and should the aroma leave some question as to the exact dish, it was perfectly acceptable to ask and have your suspicions validated. 
Growing up, it was my grandparents’ world I was most familiar with and that colored my childhood.  While my parents worked, I spent most days with my grandparents in the large apartment complex they shared with other military families in the Serbian city of Kraljevo.  Communist-era buildings are typically presented as drab and gray, but I remember the balconies always beautifully adorned with plants and flowers, the interior walls always freshly painted in pastel colors.  I also recall the complex teeming with people coming and going, providing abundant material for the local gossip.
Other stories reflect my parents’ world, in Kraljevo and on the banks of the Adriatic where we vacationed each summer, still surrounded by family and friends.  Their world, too, was caught up in tradition, elaborate social norms, and the remnants of a more superstitious time, but it gestured toward modernity.

Some of these stories come to me solely though the gossip of neighbors, embellished in their own minds and later, in mine.  Some come through the lens of childhood, colored by my need to make sense of my own actions and an often confusing world.  Still, this place and time – the Yugoslavia of my childhood – is real.  Welcome, reader, to these tales of a time and place long gone, a world vanished from the map but not the mind.  Join me on this journey and let your own reality dissolve. .  

Hair of the Corn Dog by A.K. Turner



Title: Hair of the Corn Dog
Genre: Humor
Author: A.K. Turner
Publisher: Fever Streak Press
Pages: 220
Format: Hardcover/Kindle


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In the latest laugh-out-loud confessional from A.K. Turner's "Tales of Imperfection" series, the author of This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store and Mommy Had a Little Flask relates her adventures on the Jersey Shore, at an Idaho drag show with her in-laws, and surviving the perils of an elementary school ice-cream social with equal parts wit and heart. The laughter pairs well with two parts cocktail.

Chapter 1
Humpin’ Hannah’s

Humpin’ Hannah’s seems determined to communicate via its name that it welcomes all manner of people, especially those without class and with questionable hygiene. If you’re in from out of town and want a slightly rednecky place to have a few beers and maybe win a dildo, then it’s perfect. These days, I’d like to hold my head high and say with confidence that I don’t hang out at a place that awards plastic replicas of the male genitalia to the most enthusiastic dancers. And I’m all for dildos, really. I’m no prude.
If a bar has Humpin’ in the name, I’m compelled to object. First of all, is it so hard to pronounce the g? And what is the object of the phrase, as in humpin’ Hannah’s what? What is it of Hannah’s that’s being humped? Or is Hannah the humper? Does she hump compulsively? Is there a support group that might be of some help to her? Is she a promiscuous young lady? Or a dog that behaves inappropriately with the legs of guests at her master’s dinner parties?
            Humpin’ Hannah sounds like she might be a good fit for Dirty Little Roddy, whose establishment is just a block or so away. While a few drinks topped off with a dollop of peer pressure can convince me to enter Humpin’ Hannah’s, I’ve made a solemn vow to never again frequent Dirty Little Roddy’s. I’m way too uptight and pretentious to hang out at a place that doesn’t even try to be clean—and instead proudly proclaims its filth in its name. Of course, I wasn’t always so uptight and pretentious, and in our first few years in Boise, I went there a handful of times with friends. This was before children. My level of accepted debauchery lowered once I became a parent. Not that a baby would ever know I’d been to Dirty Little Roddy’s, but still. It seems wrong to give birth and be responsible for the welfare of a new life in this world, only to get a babysitter so that I can get drunk on vodka and Red Bull while riding a mechanical bull at a smelly bar. If I’m going to hire a babysitter to go out, I want overpriced drinks and marble floors, damn it.
            Maybe Humpin’ Hannah is too good for Dirty Little Roddy, I thought as we entered. The place didn’t look so bad. I was accompanied by my husband, Mike, and our friend Kelly, an old friend, all-around good guy, and occasional drinking buddy. We played a few games of pool and drank horrible mixed drinks (how do you screw up a rum and coke?) until realizing that beer was the safer option. The band readied itself for the evening. I’d heard that the lead singer was also the owner of the club. By owning the establishment, she guaranteed that her band would headline the show every Friday and Saturday night. I’m sure in her day, she was quite the rocker. She had the figure and the moves of a younger version of herself, yet her voice strained to keep up, and I wondered how many more years of it she had in her. Incidentally, her name was not Hannah.
            A group of bikers from Utah invaded the place, and I felt a slight apprehension for Kelly. He’s a big guy and often the target of little guys with something to prove. Not that bikers from Utah are little guys with something to prove. But whenever anyone portrays outward aggression, I fear for Kelly. People pick fights with him.
            Kelly loves to dance. He’s good at many things, and dancing ranks pretty high on the list. But he’s single and doesn’t often have someone with whom to dance. So Kelly and I took to the dance floor, probably for something along the lines of “Brown-Eyed Girl” or “Sweet Home Alabama,” one of those songs that people my age have heard about five thousand times too many. Kelly was a good dancer, and I was able to follow, if clumsily so. But Kelly may have had a few too many drinks at that point. He spun me around, our hands missed each other on the catch, and I watched in horror as Kelly lumbered backwards in slow motion. I felt like I should scream “Timber!” to the dance floor, but there was no way I’d be heard above the band. A bouncer standing off to the side eyed us narrowly as Kelly came crashing down, bumping into a group of the bikers and their girlfriends along the way. I immediately began a chorus of “Sorry, so sorry,” and hoped that no one would start swinging. Kelly got to his feet, and we moved farther from the crowd to finish out the song. No one approached with brass knuckles and a puffed-up chest to avenge their tarnished honor, and I breathed a sigh of relief, though one of the girls did sneer at us, as if we’d set out to bump her and therefore ruin her night. I wanted to tell her that when she sneered like that, she was terribly unattractive, but then I remembered that I’m an adult, so I bit my tongue.
            Mike and I danced to a few songs and then, giving each other the look, agreed that we were done. We bade farewell to Kelly, who wanted to stay out later, and left to find a cab.
            On the drive home, I said to Mike, “I hope he’s going to be all right.”
            “Don’t worry,” Mike said. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
            “Who are you worried about?” the cabbie asked.
            “We left a friend back there at a bar,” Mike explained.
            “And he’s kind of drunk,” I added.
            “And he’s a really big guy, and sometimes people pick fights with him,” Mike said.
            “And he’s single and by himself.” As I spoke, a frown took hold of my face.
            “And we left him in a bar full of bikers,” Mike concluded.
            Mike and I looked at each other, and the more we voiced the facts of the situation, the more we felt like horrible parents, as if Kelly was our baby and we’d abandoned him in the company of dangerous strangers.
            “I’m sure your buddy will be fine,” said the cabbie. An identification card said his name was Ryan.
            “I bet you see some pretty crazy stuff,” I said, partly because I was interested, partly because I wanted to switch the subject from Kelly’s welfare, but mostly because this is what I do when we take cabs home. I ask the drivers to tell me stories about crazy, drunk people, because it makes me feel that however horribly I’ve screwed up in my life, I’ve never been that bad. Hearing stories of the bad behavior of others makes me feel less alone in the world. And a little bit better about myself.
            “I once had a couple pay me to drive around while they screwed in the backseat.”
            “No way!” I said.
            “I swear. They used to call me all the time to take them different places. Then one night they called and asked if I could pick them up from their house because they were going out to celebrate their fifteenth wedding anniversary. So I pick them up, and as I’m driving them to a restaurant, they say to me, ‘We plan on getting a little crazy, so if we shock you, don’t freak out.’”
            “What did you think that meant?” I asked.
            “I really had no idea. So I take them to this restaurant, and they call me again a few other times throughout the night. Restaurant to bar. Bar to bikini bar. Bikini bar to home.”
            “What’s a bikini bar?” I asked.
            “You know, like a strip club,” Mike said.
            “Oh right.” I nodded. “You mean like the Idaho equivalent of a strip club.” In Idaho, you can either serve alcohol or have naked dancers, but not both. This doesn’t work that well for the places with naked dancers because it turns out that most people want to be drunk for sexploitation.
            “So, I pick them up from the bikini bar and take them home, and I’m driving along, and all the sudden it gets really quiet. Like something’s changed. Then my seat lurches forward. He’s basically lifted her up and put her on his lap.”
            “What did you do?” Mike asked.
            “I just kept driving.” Ryan shrugged. “A minute later, she lies down in between the seats, so if I look down to my right as I’m driving, there’s her head looking up at me. And her dress is hiked up, and she’s all exposed, and he goes down on her. This lasts maybe four or five minutes. She’s holding on to each of the seats to keep herself steady. At one point, I look at her, and her dress is covering half her face, and I can see one eye peering up at me, and she says, ‘A little help here,’ so I reach over and pull her dress back down a little bit so it’s not covering her face and exposing the rest of her. The guy sits up in the backseat and gives me a thumbs up in the rearview mirror. Then the guy pulls her into the backseat, and they actually start having sex. He has his back to me; she’s sitting on the seat and has her legs up over his shoulders. And one of her feet actually rests right here.” He motioned to the space right next to his head. “And they’re really going for it. I mean, the sounds, the smells, it’s all there.”
            “Ew,” I said.
            “So then we’re almost to their house, so I said, ‘We’re almost home, kids. What do you want to do?’ And the windows are actually fogging up, so I crack a window. The woman says, ‘My mom’s in there with the kids. Just keep circling.’ So I do, and then I can tell…” As Ryan drives, he holds his hand up in the air, the motion people make when they don’t actually have words and hope a gesture will suffice.
            “They finished?” Mike said. At that moment, it occurred to me that we were hearing a story of strangers coupling in the very place where we were seated.
            “They finished,” Ryan confirmed. “So I pull up to their house, and the guy says, ‘Let me get her inside and come right back out and pay you.’”
            “Don’t you dare tell me they stiffed you!” I demanded.
            “Nope, the guy came back with baby wipes, cleaned the car, and gave me a $125 tip.”
            “Did you ever hear from them again?” I asked.
            “Nope. Never called me once after that.”
            “You get a lot of regular customers?” Mike asked.
            “Some. There was a prostitute who used to call a lot.”
            “How do you know she was a prostitute?” I asked, and then instantly regretted it. Maybe I didn’t want to know how he knew.
            “She used to have me pick her up at her house, and she’d always say she was going to her boyfriend’s house. But it was always a different house, and she never knew how to get there, so we always had to use the GPS.”
            “Yeah, that’s probably a good indication,” I agreed.
“One day I pick her up from her house, which was, let’s just say, not in a nice neighborhood. When I pull up to her house, she has a garden hose in her hand, and she’s spraying water on a group of people running away. She puts down the hose, gets in the car, and I said, ‘What was that? Why were you spraying those people?’ And I’m kind of wondering if the cops are going to show after this little altercation I’ve witnessed, and I don’t want to be accused of being a getaway car, so I decide I’m not taking her anywhere until I hear some sort of explanation for what I just saw. She tells me that she’s been hearing voices, and she’s been off meth for six months.”
            “Oh god,” I said, suddenly feeling like a really stellar passenger.
            “She says it had been getting worse, and she thought someone was in the crawlspace of her house, but she was always too afraid to check by herself. So one day she calls the cops, they come out to her house, hear her story, and blow her off. Honestly, it’s easy to see how that would happen. But then she says the voices get worse still, and now they’re taunting her because they know the cops won’t do anything. They’re knocking on the floor and stuff like that. She even sees a glow coming up from the floorboards, like there are lights down there. So she took her garden hose and started pouring water down through the vents and then took it outside and turned it on full blast into the crawlspace. A family of five came running out, and that’s who she was spraying when I pulled up.”
            “They were living there?” I asked.
            “Well, that’s what she said, but honestly, with the looks of her and the place where she lives and the druggie past and all, I’m not inclined to believe much that she says. So I call bullshit. And we’re still parked outside of her house. So she says, ‘I’ll show you.’”
            “And you looked?” Mike asked.
            “I totally looked,” said Ryan. “It was like a twenty by twenty space under her house, only about three feet high. There was a blow-up mattress down there. There was a coffee table and end tables, and they were normal size except the legs had been sawed off so that they only stood about six inches off the ground. They’d tapped into her power, they had a microwave. They’d tapped into her cable, they had a television.”
            “That is the creepiest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” I said.
            “So we get back in the cab, and I asked her, ‘What are you going to do now? You just pissed off the people who were living under your house.’ I mean, I would be scared. And she looks at me, and she just says, ‘I’m gonna go stay with my boyfriend for a week.’”
            “Jesus, you have some stories,” said Mike.
            “I had a ninja puker once.”
“I’m not sure what that means,” I confessed.
“Well, it was a girl who was really drunk, and she promised not to puke in my car. And I didn’t think she’d puked.”
“But she did?”
“This girl was so stealthy, I never even realized she puked until I went through a drive-thru later and someone asked me what happened to the side of my car. The whole side of it was plastered. But hey, she didn’t puke on the interior, so it’s all good.” I realized that my definition of “all good” would have to change significantly if I ever drove a cab.
The next day, I waited until late afternoon to call Kelly and see how he’d fared the night before. I wanted to make sure he was still alive, that he hadn’t been beaten up by bikers and left in an alley. I’m not assuming that the bikers were bad people. They could have been Mormon bikers for all I know. Actually, strike that. I’m sure there are Mormon bikers out there, but I don’t think they pound beer and dance for dildos. And I don’t like to think of myself as someone who judges others on appearance alone, but if you’re trying to look tough and aggressive, I’m at least going to assume you are aggressive, and that appeared to be the case in the situation at Humpin’ Hannah’s. When I finally got a hold of Kelly, he was, indeed, alive.
“Oh…” he mumbled.
“Kelly?”
“Yeah…” He did not sound good.
“I just wanted to make sure you made it home last night.”
“Yeah, yeah I did. I stayed for a little longer. And then I was headed home, but when I got home, my neighbors were throwing a party.”
“Oh no.” Kelly’s neighbors are four college kids and technically his tenants. I’m not saying that we didn’t party like they do when we were back in college, but that was fifteen years ago. And one’s ability to keep up dwindles over time.
“I remember drinking shots of tequila,” Kelly continued.
“That’s not good.”
“No, no it’s not. But they had some girls over. And they were all playing beer pong. And I remember they were playing strip beer pong.”
I confess that I do not know what beer pong is, have never played beer pong, and I have no intention of ever doing so. Though I’m sure I’d be fantastic at it. I can only assume that beer pong is an updated version of what we called quarters back in my day. I’m not sure what strip beer pong entails, but I assume that in addition to getting drunk, you get naked.
“And the girls were losing,” Kelly continued. “So that was cool.”
“So you watched a bunch of college kids get drunk and naked.”
“Let’s call them men and women.”
“Don’t want to be the creepy landlord?”
“No, no I don’t.”
“Okay, so you watched a bunch of men get naked,” I said.
“Amanda!”
“Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
“And then they were talking about shotgunning beer. And I told them they didn’t stand a chance against me.”
“And did they stand a chance?”
“Are you forgetting that I played rugby?” Kelly asked.
Kelly and Mike played rugby together in college. The goal of joining a rugby team is to make it through the season with really cool scars, but without an actual visit to the hospital, and to get rip-roaring drunk with great frequency.
But rugby players don’t just drink shots or shotgun beer. They put various substances, like alcohol and spit, into the cleat of the biggest player on the team. And those who score a tri (like a goal, only the rugby version) have to drink this disgusting and likely dangerous concoction at the party afterward. It’s a stupid ritual, accompanied by chants from the teammates of “Shoot the boot! Shoot the boot!” If I had been in that scenario, I would purposefully have been a horrific rugby player.
Lucky for Mike, he had me. He would often skip the after-party, telling his teammates that he couldn’t go because he had to go home with “the wife.” This was a total lie. I was more of a partier than my husband and would gladly have gotten drunk with the rugby team, especially since no one was going to ask me to shoot the boot. But I encouraged my husband to lie and blame me for the fact that he couldn’t party after the game, because I could tell that the idea of shooting the boot and some of the other rugby rituals were as disgusting to him as they were to me.
Kelly, on the other hand, was not married, and when he and Mike played rugby together, Kelly often attended the after-party and took his already impressive drinking skills to new heights.
“So you put the college kids to shame then?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He groaned. “But do me a favor.”
“Sure thing.”
“Next time we go out, and you guys are ready to go home, make me go home, too.”
I gave Kelly my word, just as I’d vowed the night before to carry some sort of plastic sheeting with me at all times from that point forward. It had to be small enough to fit in my purse, but large enough to cover the backseat of a standard cab.