Title: The Eight Fingered Fiend of Lake Porker Genre: Humor/Satire Author: Fletcher Best Publisher: Fletcher Best Pages: 202 Language: English Format: Paperback
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Dark secrets lie just below the surface of the small town of Lake Porker, Texas. The long-time, yet much-despised mayor has been keeping his job by means of rigging elections with the help of the town clerk, a highly respected woman who secretly happens to be the mayor's dominatrix lover. The man that most of the town thinks is a successful stock day trader is actually a methamphetamine kingpin. His drop-dead beautiful and supposedly devoted God-fearing wife is not only plotting to kill him and take over his meth empire, but she's having sex with everyone and anyone she thinks will be helpful in advancing that goal. The new African-American deputy is drawing the ire of the town rednecks and is secretly involved in a May - December romance with the sheriff's wife. Then there's Octavio, the oversexed freshwater octopus bred by the brilliant and lonely fish hatchery scientist who has trained him in the ways of pleasure and has taken him as her lover.
The giant octopus periodically escapes the fish breeding lab and roams the lake looking for other targets for his sexual talents, much to the confusing combination of arousal and horror in his victims. Octavio can't be kept secret forever, and soon he attracts the attention of a cryptozoologist and documentary film producer and his intrepid cameraman out to make their next hit reality television special. All of this plays out in an absurd, darkly comedic romp filled with sex, drugs, and violence.
Welcome to the cold, sticky embrace of The Eight Fingered Fiend Of Lake Porker!
“Well, Dr. Braun, what a pleasant surprise!” Betty Joe Porker-Wilkins gushed as Dr. Helga Braun shyly approached the front table of the annual Lake Porker Christian Church bake sale with a tray of brownies.
“Uh, h-hello, Betty Joe,” Dr. Braun replied quietly. “I, uh, the Institute directors, well they want me to be more, uh, active in the community. They said I should, uh, participate in the bake sale this year. I made brownies. I h-hope they’re good enough. I d-don’t bake much.”
Betty Joe smiled, stepped out from behind the table, and put an arm around Dr. Braun’s shoulder. “Well bless your heart! I’m so glad you decided to come! It’s been a while since we’ve seen you in church, and it’s so nice to have you here!” she said warmly as she led the scientist over to a table to set her brownies out on. “And don’t you look nice today,” Betty Joe continued. “That lab coat of yours paired with that dress really sets off your… well, it makes you look so… well… researcher-like!”
“Uh, thank you?” Dr. Braun replied, not sure if the comment was a compliment or not. Dr. Helga Braun was not used to getting complimented on her appearance. While a very intelligent woman, she had never really considered herself to be attractive, and everyone else she had ever met seemed to agree, except for her late mother who had always tried to encourage her. But with her short, stocky body that she always encased in formless mumu-style dresses under her signature lab coat, and thick-lensed glasses that distorted the look of her face, compliments on her appearance were rare. Actually, they had been non-existent since her mother passed away. Her looks were occasionally compared to those of a well-known celebrity she did bear a passing resemblance to when seen at certain angles in a certain light. Those comparisons could hardly be considered to be complimentary though, as the celebrity was Ernest Borgnine.
“You’re very welcome,” Betty Joe replied, as she took the plate of brownies from Dr. Braun and removed the foil covering. She couldn’t help but cringe when the sight of the brownies greeted her. They were flat, burned, and so dry they were crumbling just from setting the plate on the table. “Well, don’t those look… interesting,” Betty Joe said diplomatically.
“I’m a-afraid I burned them a little,” Dr. Braun admitted. “They, they don’t look very good, do they?” she asked as she squinted and crinkled her nose, looking at Betty Joe for her reaction.
“Nonsense,” Betty Joe replied with a smile. “They’re as pretty as their baker!” she exclaimed, being honest for the first time in their conversation.
Dr. Braun blushed. “Oh, my God! Pretty? Nobody’s ever called me that before. Not even my mother! And from you, and you’re so beautiful… In fact, you’re outright gorgeous…”
“Now, now, let’s not get carried away…” Betty Joe said quickly. “I’m just lucky to have learned early on how to hide my flaws with makeup and clothes.”
But Betty Joe was stretching the truth again. While she did know a thing or two about makeup and clothes, she was about as close to flawless looking as a human being can be. Tall, blonde and tan, with perfect sparkling teeth and deep blue eyes and a body that looked as good or better up close and personal as any airbrushed magazine model, Betty Joe was stunning. She always dressed conservatively when out and about, but even in her usual modest flower-patterned and lace-trimmed dresses, she never failed to turn the head of every man in town and even the heads of quite a few of the women.
Betty Joe turned to Dr. Braun, “And you’re so smart! I’m about as dumb as a brick. You’re so blessed to have beauty and brains!”
Dr. Braun blushed again. “Thank you,” she smiled a crooked smile that, combined with the distorted look of her eyes behind her thick glasses, almost gave Betty Joe the shivers, but she managed to shake them off.
“You’re welcome, dear,” Betty Joe smiled. “You know, I’m so glad you came today. I’ve heard you do some fascinating work over at the Institute and I’d love to learn more about that,” she said as she led Dr. Braun away from the table to the shade of a nearby oak tree.
“Well,” Dr. Braun began, trying to focus her thoughts amidst her rapidly-developing crush on Betty Joe, “I run aquatic breeding experiments. Mostly I work with breeding largemouth bass and catfish to grow bigger and heartier for stocking in Lake Porker and other sites in Texas, but I have a few side projects too.”
“Well bless your heart, that is so interesting,” Betty Joe said as she flirtatiously flipped her blonde hair with her fingers. “Out of curiosity, do you do anything with chemistry, like developing new products?” she asked. “It’s always been a dream of mine to start my own line of beauty products, but I have no idea how to go about formulating them.”
“Well, my current job is really about genetics and breeding, but I do have a background in chemistry as well. I suppose I might be able to help you with developing your products,” Dr. Braun nodded.
“I was hoping you’d say that!” Betty Joe enthused. “The only problem will be keeping my mind on business with you around in your smart lab-coat,” she said coyly as she gently placed a hand on Dr. Braun’s shoulder.
Dr. Braun was shocked. Was Betty Joe coming on to her? She had always considered herself to be straight, but in truth had never had the opportunity to really test that theory. As far as she knew Betty Joe was a happily married, heterosexual, God-fearing woman. But despite her inexperience in romance, it seemed pretty clear to Dr. Braun that Betty Joe wanted more than just someone to formulate beauty products. Suddenly her mind was filled with lustful thoughts about Betty Joe. Her body flushed and she could feel her nethers getting damp. Though it was early summer in Central Texas, the heat she was feeling had nothing to do with the weather. Maybe she wasn’t so straight after all.
“W-why don’t you c-come to my lab t-tonight and I’ll s-show you around?” Dr. Braun said nervously, desperately hoping that Betty Joe would agree.
“That would be lovely,” Betty Joe said with a smile and a wink as she slid her hand down Dr. Braun’s arm and gave her hand a squeeze. “Would around 8:00 be a good time to… come?” she said, subtly emphasizing the last word.
“Y-yes!” was all Dr. Braun could manage to reply.
“Wonderful!” Betty Joe exclaimed as she leaned over and gave Dr. Braun a hug. “Until this evening then, Dr. Braun,” she said as she turned to head back to the bake sale entrance.
“P-please, c-call me Helga,” Dr. Braun replied in what came out as a hoarse whisper.
“Well, bless your heart! Helga it is!” Betty Joe nodded over her shoulder.
Dr. Braun took a moment to collect herself. Did that really just happen? She was under orders from her bosses at the Texas Institute of Technology and Science to mingle and socialize at the bake sale for PR purposes. While the TITS fish breeding facility had always been accepted by the people of Lake Porker, plans for future expansion would require additional land that the Institute would have to purchase from the town and the directors figured a little extra goodwill couldn’t hurt in getting the voters to agree to a favorable deal. Dr. Braun had not been excited about socializing before her conversation with Betty Joe, and she was even less focused on the task now.
Dr. Braun took a deep breath and straightened her lab coat as she made her way back to the bake sale. She awkwardly attempted to strike up conversations with a few of the other attendees, but her usual shyness combined with her Betty Joe-related distraction resulted in very short conversations that consisted mostly of her saying hello and her getting a hello or nod back. All the same, she did her best and after an hour or so of her unsuccessful attempts to engage others in conversation, she selected a few bake sale items and headed for the table where Betty Joe and a few other women were collecting the money.
“Looks like you found some things to your liking, Dr. Braun… I mean Helga,” Betty Joe said as she greeted her with a brilliant smile that sparkled in the sunlight like her teeth were perfectly cut diamonds.
“Uh, yes,” Helga replied, fighting off the lustful feelings that were rushing back at being in close proximity to Betty Joe.
“Let’s see, we have some of Florence’s pound cake, Alice’s turnovers, and a bag of my chocolate chip cookies. That will be $8.00 even, sweetie,” Betty Joe said.
Helga dug out her wallet from her purse and fumbled through her money before handing a five and three ones to Betty Joe.
“Well bless your heart, exact change and everything,” Betty Joe said as she placed the bills in their respective slots of the cash box. “I hope you enjoy my cookies,” she said with a wink. “I’ll see you later, sweetie.”